A mistake I make and I believe many athletes can probably relate to, is becoming so involved in sport that it takes over my identity. Running for me often feels like my whole life, as if it defines who I am as a person. What’s worse is that this mindset can be really beneficial when I am trying to motivate myself and push my limits as an athlete. But this mindset, while useful to tap into, is ultimately a trap.
When I couldn’t run because of an injury for basically all of 2020, I felt useless. It was as if my value as a human being had been stripped from me because I couldn’t do the one thing at which I feel I am actually good. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was depressed, but I certainly didn’t feel happy for a solid few months. It was difficult for many reasons, but the hardest part was that for much of the year, I had no idea what was wrong and didn’t feel like I was making any progress toward getting better. I would take time off and then try to run again only to be confronted with pain less than three miles in. This cycle repeated itself over and over again until I finally went to see my current Physical Therapist who was able to diagnose the problem. I think she is a running wizard and if you ever have any issues and you live in the Denver area, I cannot recommend her strongly enough.
I didn’t go through all of 2020 feeling useless, in part because the cycle of trying to run again and failing became so familiar. I also took up yoga and cycling and managed to make the combination of those two exercises take the place of running for some time. I look back on 2020 as a year I learned a lot about myself as a human being and as a runner. I don’t ever want to slip back into thinking of myself only as a runner and not as a well-rounded, multi-faceted human being because if running is ever taken away from me, I know that path leads to deep unhappiness. At the same time, I want to be able to tap into the mindset that running really is everything temporarily because that mindset is helpful to someone trying to push their limits in a sport. This balance between those two positions is hard to strike and I certainly find myself having to work at maintaining it.
Personally, I find that the hyper motivated and ambitious part of my brain is incredibly useful and can also be incredibly damaging. After the Ouray 100 in July, I took a week off because it was the smart thing to do. But after a couple days of doing nothing, the crazy part of my brain started telling me how lazy I was being and that I should be out doing something. Similarly this past week when I had a little cold and the smart thing to do was rest and relax, this same voice in my head was screaming at me to push harder. I’m thankful to have this voice, just as I am thankful to be able to tap into the “running is life” mindset, but it can be difficult to switch on and off. I talked in a previous blog post about meditation, and the practice is one strategy that can help to ignore frustrating and negative lines of thought. But even with a regular meditation practice, it is easy to get into a negative headspace and cycle through various modes of harmful self-talk.
Ultimately, I’m grateful to have that angry, crazy voice in my head that tells me I’m being lazy because it’s that voice that is going to push me through hard times in training or in a race. But it has been a good learning experience to realize that the voice is not the boss of me and does not rule my mind. The same way that running cannot and should not be my entire life, the voice inside that tells me I’m never doing enough doesn’t define me. I look back on 2020 as a tough year, but one in which I was able to create new strategies and to broaden my identity to more than just a runner. Yoga has been a wonderful addition to my life and the ability to zoom out and focus on more than running allows me to see more clearly what I am doing wrong and right both in and out of the sport. Being kind to myself and allowing for those easier times of the year doesn’t come naturally, but I hope in the long run it will lengthen my career and make me a happier, more enthusiastic runner and person. Trying to find that balance is difficult but it is something that any athlete must go through at one point or another.
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