Nothing about posting on social media feels natural to me. If I didn't feel like I had to do it from a marketing perspective, I think I would just be one of those happy people who spent exactly zero minutes a day on Instagram, Facebook, or any of the others. The only social media I feel like has no downside for me is Strava and even that can be a bit of a time waster.
And yet, here I am writing a blog post about my reluctance to post on social media that I will no doubt post on social media with the hopes that someone will click on the link and read my piece, from which this individual might gain some tiny piece of value. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of contradictions that seem to pop up in life!
I have no doubt that whoever might be reading this has felt the negative side effects of social media themselves. Whether it is the simple fact that these things can waste time like almost nothing else, or one is the victim of a famous internet pile on, the potential for negative experiences on platforms like Instagram and Facebook is infamous. I for one, try to persuade myself that I don't really care what other people think. Sure, if my wife or a close friend has some criticism of something I've said or a post I've made, I'll take that into consideration but who cares what the people out in the ether think? Now, I do believe that I actually manage to exhibit this philosophy reasonably well. Even with my tiny following, I'm a fan of the post-and-ghost strategy wherein I try not to check my posts for likes or comments once I've sent them out into the world. But it's challenging to fight the feeling of wanting "engagement," whatever that might mean and in whatever form it might come.
I feel self-conscious about many things I post on Instagram (it's the only social media I use with any regularity at all). I feel self-conscious about my professed goals for races or when I post a shirtless picture of myself running in which I think I look good. What if people see this and they think, "oh this guy is just some dumb, vain, self-obsessed meathead?" And I feel self-conscious when I share a poem I wrote about my experiences in Las Vegas. This guy is lame and his poetry sucks and how self-important to think anyone would care or want to read this. I recognize from mindfulness training that these thoughts are inevitable and probably go through most people's heads who try to be active on social media. But it is really hard for me to push through the feeling that all of you out there (all of you is a funny term for the few people who pay any attention to me but you know what I mean!) see through this strange charade that plays out on Instagram.
The use of the word "charade" may make it seem like I am being somehow purposefully deceitful or misleading with my posts, which is certainly not the case. What I do think is unintentionally misleading people across the social media universe is the confidence portrayed in any one person's feed. I'd bet that everyone with a platform feels some sense of what I'm saying here, the inherent uncomfortable and unnatural nature of displaying oneself to the outer world. Even if it's a curated version of oneself, the act of curation alone feels in some ways deceptive. I make posts about my long runs and some cool things I do but why aren't I showing the hours of my life that feel monotonous and boring? Why don't I make a post about having to change the battery in my car or clean cat vomit off of my carpet?
When I started my Youtube channel last month, I had trouble sleeping at some point because I just kept thinking that the video I posted (a tour of Capitol Reef), was poorly made and that everyone would think I looked like a moron. Side note, if you do go watch the video it's pretty shaky and I have since gotten a stabilizer which I hope will improve the quality for future videos I'm planning on making. Furthermore, as someone who never has and doesn't watch Youtube videos at all myself, it feels strange to promote this platform on which I have no experience being a consumer. But c'est la vie I suppose. I actually enjoyed making the video and didn't feel too weird filming so I'll continue that as long as it feels like something authentic to myself.
Speaking of authenticity there's a creeping sense of dishonesty I feel when I am maintaining a feed only about one aspect of my life: running. This whole enterprise has a purpose, I do want to attract people to my coaching and I also would like to partner with brands about which I am enthusiastic. I believe I have something to offer people as a coach and a runner and it's somewhat of a shame that it seems like the only way to do that is to have some presence in this awkward online space that I just have no idea how to gracefully navigate.
Well I'm not sure I made a coherent point in those previous paragraphs but maybe someone out there feels just as confused and conflicted as I do. If you're that person, know that you're not alone. I'm going to continue to try to post on Instagram a few times a week, but in a compromise to my conflicted feelings expressed here I'm going to institute a passcode protected limit on my usage of the app every day. I think 15 minutes should be enough for me to make a post and do just a little bit of scrolling and keeping up with friends. Here's to seeing how this works out!
Happy New Year to all, I hope you have a wonderful 2024!
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